If you’re new(er) to me, I used to have a blog called I Still Hate Pickles. I’ve taken it down* but this post draws from those old posts! 

This blog post started in my journal this afternoon. Where I started to write, “What has motherhood done for me?” but instead wrote, “What has motherhood done TO me?” 

It’s definitely WAY more of what Has motherhood done TO me. For sure. 

So I thought that (of course), I would write a blog post about this. Because: duh. I started processing my very first thoughts about motherhood on the Still Hate Pickles Blog. (Don’t google it; I took it down.*) 

But here’s the thing: have I REALLY learned that much? I’m not sure. I think actually this post should be about things that are STILL true, ten years and five kids later. 

THINGS THAT ARE STILL TRUE TEN YEARS LATER AS A MOM

• There still is no real measure for success. 

At the end of many days, the house is quiet and I think, “What happened? What was today? What is the point? What did I DO???” Here is an excerpt from my first few months as a mom on the old blog: 

What is the measure of success? I don’t know. And that’s what makes parenthood so hard. And not just parenthood–all relationships whether you’re being a daughter or a sister or a friend or a husband or wife. There is no way to qualify (or quantify) how well you love. You probably will see some fruit when you scatter seeds. But it may not be the kind you want to see, or you may not live to see it, or it may never grow at all.

You don’t know what you will get back or what will come when you love. I don’t know what will happen in Sawyer’s future, or what kind of man he will grow to be. I don’t know what impact my love will have on those things, and I will probably never know. And yet, here I am standing in the kitchen at 3am, loving him to sleep in his sling. Because I think with these really important things in life, you find that you can’t worry about success–you have to find contentment in faithfulness, no matter what the outcome.

Yep. Still true. (Also? Maybe I knew more about blogging then? Because: gold.) 

• If you hate the housework part of parenting, you’ll likely always hate housework. 

I love for some things to be clean. One particular counter in the kitchen. the kitchen table. But I have to put on blinders to walk through most of the house because if I take OFF the blinders, I’ll have to clean the house and won’t finish my writing and blogging. (#priorities) I realized early on that I was never going to be great at all the things like taking care of people AND my home. My people are all alive. My house…is ick. (And yes, I know this isn’t technically motherhood. Whatever. Motherhood impacted my house.) 

• The working/staying at home struggle is still real. 

I’ve always done some form of writing in the past ten years. I make more money now with the blog and my podcast and coaching and other things. Money aside, the choice to actually be home (working or no) or going to work is still one that I find challenging and not easy and not one-size-fits-all. More from the old blog: 

Sometimes when you’re staying at home, you long for a normal office job–something that would be out of the house, that had definite beginning and ending hours, and that you didn’t have to bring home with you. Staying home and being a full-time-mom means that you’re on duty 24-hours a day. And often it can feel fruitless… There are days when I am loving every minute of being at home with the little guy, and there are moments where I wish that I was making maps like Kia, or teaching like Laurie. Being a full-time Mom and pouring into a person is exhausting. Rewarding, but exhausting.

Then I think of how it must be for Kia, who works that office job and THEN comes home and is full-time mom as well. How the heck do you do that?? That sounds infinitely harder. I don’t know that I could juggle that, so props to you Moms who are working full- or part-time, whether in or out of the home. I guess in some ways, the grass may always seem greener, but being a parent in general is just filled with joys and struggles. And all in all, I’m thankful for what I’ve got!

To have the choice to work at ALL (in or out of the home) as a parent is a privilege. I love the work I do, but have also been so lucky that I’m free to do either. I still struggle sometimes being at home most of the time. I don’t feel like it’s in my DNA the way that it is for some moms. But I’m still here, working in the corners of my life and being home with my little peeps. 

• I still have meltdowns and feel like I can’t do it. 

There are days when I think, “Will I make it through this parenting thing?” You might think I’m being dramatic (and I am, just a little), but there are other times where I do actually feel like my soul is dying. Or I might just be mush by the time all my kids go to college. I’ll be like 11’s mom in Stranger Things, rocking in a chair and repeating the same phrases again and again. Fine, yeah. Dramatic. 

I was surprised to find this gem when Sawyer wasn’t even a year old: 

I talked recently about meltdowns, and I feel like I’m sort of having one continual meltdown. Things really are not bad, I have just felt sort of on-edge lately. And then I have days like today. I hope you can laugh at this, as I am now doing at the end of the day.

It could be worse. But still, in the midst of a failed day, it’s hard to keep that perspective. I did laugh, but it took me until 11pm to find any of this humorous. Mostly I just got upset.

I keep coming back to a verse I read this morning in Isaiah, which I think I need to remember during days like today: Isaiah 46:4- Even to your old age and gray hairs, I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

I like to encourage moms who have fewer kids than me who feel like they can’t complain. Constantly moms of one or two kids will say things like, “Oh, but I can’t complain! I only have one! You have five!” I like to tell them, “IT DOESN’T MATTER. IT’S HARD. ALL NUMBERS OF KIDS.” Totally true. Meltdowns then, meltdowns now. Why was this comforting?? Maybe because I’ve made it through ten years of my own meltdowns. 

• Kids still don’t sleep. 

Let’s start with this from the old blog, which I could have written like yesterday:

That’s one of those kind of awful questions that you get asked a lot when you have a baby. I say awful, because it’s one of those questions that has an implication–your baby should be sleeping through the night, and the sooner the better. Sleep in the first few months is really elusive for Mom and Dad, and something you really want. Compound that with the question and there is a lot of expectation. Let me go ahead and lower those expectations a little: when a baby is sleeping five consecutive hours, that should be considered to be sleeping through the night.

This week, one kid had diarrhea in her diaper in the night. And in the bathroom floor. Everywhere. All over. Middle of the night. Another one or two had nightmares. Several woke up at 5:30am for no reason and today on Sawyer’s birthday, the boys woke EVERYONE up. One kid still crawls in bed with us five nights a week. 

So while I hate to still keep killing your dreams, new(er) parents– YOU WILL NEVER SLEEP AGAIN. 

• My kids still learn more from what I model. 

It’s hard to teach your kids things. In our home there is a noise level that is like, beyond what noise levels in the world should be. So trying to have a teaching moment? Nope. 

Sometimes I get that rare moment when a question is asked and people want to have conversations with me, but often it’s just insanity. My kids still, though, do what I do. Even if they may or may not hear what I say. 

I wrote this ten years ago: 

I can teach Sawyer with words, by reading the Bible to him, and by praying for him. I’m already doing those things, even though he won’t understand it for a while. But maybe the best way we teach is by what we model. If I read to him about love and patience and then don’t show either in the way I treat him or Rob or other people he sees, I’m pretty sure he’ll remember my actions more than my words. Or both and think I’m a hypocrite. Sawyer is going to see what or whom I worship, maybe better than anyone else, since he’s with me so much and sees me at my worst and best.

This was super convicting to me. Because I think it’s been too easy lately to just gliiiiiiiiide through the days. Actually, “easy” isn’t a word at all that describes most of my days. I think I mean all I can DO is just make it through the day sometimes, which means I’ve NOT been very intentional about my actions. But man, I see my kids reflecting me in their actions. 

• I still need my ME things. 

I started roller derby at the time I started having kids. And for almost ten years, I skated, had babies, coached or called lineups, and skated again. I really really miss it, though there just isn’t time now. 

What hasn’t changed is that I have to have things that are for ME. Non-kid things. Me things. Writing and blogging are a big part of this. Podcasting. Publishing novels. 

Here are my thoughts back then: 

Not many mothers are probably sitting down tonight thinking, “I got knocked down four times and elbowed in the face tonight. It was awesome.” But that’s pretty much how I’m feeling at this moment.

The last two times I’ve been to Houston Roller Derby’s Rec League, I have felt more and more assured that it is making me more sane as a mother. Not that I’d recommend it for everyone–the first time I tried derby, I felt such an immediate connection and sense of rightness that it was like I’d been waiting my whole life to do it. Now, as Mom, being a part of this sport is even better for me.

Everyone mother needs something like this in her life. Maybe it’s not derby for you. So, what’s your sanity-saver??

I’d love to go back to derby one day, but for now the writing is enough to give me something non-mommy to help me with my momming. 🙂

I think I could write more. But there are five kids running around here somewhere and laundry that hasn’t been done. JUST LIKE TEN YEARS AGO. (Minus five kids, of course.) 

Happiest tenth birthday to the little (now big) man!

*I took the blog down because I had thousands (literally) of posts and many broke rules I didn’t know about in terms of images and links and things. I don’t have the time to make them compliant OR the money to get sued. 

It’s a little crazy that I’m even writing this post. Should we celebrate Mother’s Day? That’s a debate?!?

But it’s 2017 and everything now is a heated debated. Have you noticed that? There are no calm discussions, only people screaming about their point of view. I did not realize Mother’s Day was a debate until my Facebook feed filled up with posts about it. 

I was a little surprised and in case you are too, I’ll break it down. The debate goes like this, essentially: 

YES we should celebrate Mother’s Day because mothers deserve a celebration and no one is upset about Father’s Day and people are just too sensitive. 

NO we should not celebrate Mother’s Day because it excludes those who wish to be mothers and cannot or who have lost their children. Plus there are women who choose NOT to have kids and also it’s so commercial and about 50 other reasons.

Normally, I read a few posts on either side and move on. But I wanted to speak into this because I have some strong feelings about that I think are missing in the debate.

So, whether you think we should or should NOT celebrate Mother’s Day, will you please keep reading? Great. Let’s get into it.

Should We Celebrate Mother’s Day?

In some ways Mother’s Day has gone the way of commercial everything. Here in Texas, giant white tents start popping up in grocery store parking lots selling flowers and candy and other things. There are commercials and aisles dedicated to it and all kinds of hoopla. Like all holidays here in the US, it’s a little out of control.

Personally, I feel about Mother’s Day a little bit like I do about Valentines Day: Aren’t these holidays celebrating things we should really be doing EVERY DAY OF THE YEAR???

Yes, we should be showing people we love them and respecting and honoring our moms every day of the year. Still, it’s nice to have a day set aside for the honoring of moms. I can tell you honestly that most days DO NOT feel like a holiday otherwise. It is nice to have just ONE. 

Give me Mother’s Day please, and give all the moms a day to be celebrated a honored and maybe even to get to sleep in and have a few hours “off” or getting pampered or having a nice meal or getting a sweet, handmade card from your kids. Let’s do that.

The Other Side of Mother’s Day

But a few years back I remember seeing Mother’s Day from another perspective. A friend who had been struggling for a long time with infertility remarked that she always skipped church on Mother’s Day because it was too hard. I had NEVER thought of this, yet never stopped thinking about it afterward. (I even wrote this post about it.)

Rob and I tried for nine months to have our first son (and had another period of four or so months trying in the middle of our now-five kids). While this seems so short compared to so many people waiting and longing, when you’re trying to get pregnant, nine months is like a lifetime.

Every MONTH is actually a lifetime. You’re waiting and waiting and waiting and timing and then when it’s a no, the clock resets. Everyone who knows you are trying asks you about it and then you have to tell them. Other people get pregnant in that time and you have to think nice thoughts about that. It’s pretty terrible.

I can hardly begin to understand what it’s like to wait for years and deal with doctors and pills and invasive options, but I have some very small sense of how hard it can be while you wait. (Read more about our story HERE.) 

So when I heard that Mother’s Day is now a debate, I GET it. 

I have a small understanding of what it would be like to totally DREAD this day. 

Whether you’ve lost a child through miscarriage OR lost a child after birth OR are struggling with infertility OR have lost your mom OR had a really horrible and damaging mother, Mother’s Day probably feels a lot like a slap in the face. A day you very much wish did NOT exist. 

I can’t imagine any of the moms I know who struggle with this day actually making a fuss about it. They’d rather be invisible. Stay home. Try not to think of the deep, deep longing. They aren’t starting heated debates on Facebook about it. 

No matter how the conversation got started, I’m glad it did. Because while my short answer is YES, we should still celebrate Mother’s Day, I think we should ADD something to it. 

What We Should Add to Mother’s Day

I think we should add a huge dose of compassion and understanding that this is a really difficult day for many. I recently read this post from Lindsay Ostrom of Pinch of Yum. While putting Piper to sleep, I wept reading the post while she nursed. 

This post is a MUST-READ. It’s all about what to do when your friend loses a baby. It’s raw and real and vulnerable and gives some real suggestions for those of us who have had the good fortune NOT to have lost a baby. 

While the post isn’t about all the other struggles and issues that people deal with on Mother’s Day, it peels back the curtain on the layer of grief. It gives you a sense, if you didn’t have one before, of how incredibly gut-wrenching this day can be for so many.

I would like to suggest that we all do something on Mother’s Day beyond honoring our own moms and (for those moms out there) enjoying (hopefully) the celebration. 

I want to suggest that we all consider any women we know personally who may be suffering and consider how we can bring some light into HER day. Even if that’s a simple call or text to acknowledge that it’s hard. 

Again, please read Lindsay’s post. It is so practical yet heartfelt and applies to more than just the situation of women who have lost their babies. I think that some of those suggestions would be amazing for the moms who maybe even just found out THIS WEEK that they aren’t pregnant. AGAIN. Or who lost their babies this week. Or lost their daughter two weeks ago. Or lost their mom last month. 

Should we celebrate Mother’s Day? YES. But we can also extend kindness and consideration to the people in our lives who may struggle with this day. 

What do YOU think? Should we celebrate Mother’s Day? Is it too commercial? Too difficult? Would YOU want someone reaching out to you if it’s a hard day? Share in the comments.