There seems to be some confusion in our culture about how to make small talk with a pregnant woman. I’m not sure exactly why this problem exists. But if you ask any pregnant woman, she will confirm that normal conversations with friends and strangers alike are difficult.
I thought, having been pregnant five times, I might create a handy, shareable guide to help people learn how to make small talk with a pregnant woman. I’ve written it in question and answer form to make the process super simple.
How to Make Small Talk with a Pregnant Woman
1. Do you know the pregnant woman?
YES – Continue to #2.
NO – DO NOT MAKE SMALL TALK WITH THE PREGNANT WOMAN.
2. Does the pregnant woman seem preoccupied?
Example: Is she crying? Trying to get other children in/out of a building? Is she eating?
YES – DO NOT MAKE SMALL TALK WITH THE PREGNANT WOMAN.
NO – Continue to #3.
3. Were you planning to make a comment about her appearance?
YES – Continue to #4.
NO – Skip to #5.
4. Were you planning to make any of the following remarks?
Is it twins? Are you sure??
Could your due date be wrong?
You look like you are about to pop!
You’re HUGE!
Due any day now?
YES – DO NOT MAKE SMALL TALK WITH THE PREGNANT WOMAN. Go read this book instead.
NO – Continue to #5.
5. Were you planning to tell a horror story of your birth or your wife’s/sister’s/friend’s/cousin’s sister’s birth?
YES – DO NOT MAKE SMALL TALK WITH THE PREGNANT WOMAN.
NO – Continue to #6.
6. Were you planning to offer your unsolicited opinion on breastfeeding vs formula, vaccinations, pregnancy weight gain, hospital vs home birth, or baby training vs attachment parenting?
YES – DO NOT MAKE SMALL TALK WITH THE PREGNANT WOMAN. (Also? NONE OF THOSE ARE SMALL TALK.)
NO – Continue to #7.
7. Are you 100% POSITIVE the woman is pregnant?
YES – Continue to #8.
NO – DO NOT MAKE SMALL TALK WITH THE POSSIBLY (but not positively) PREGNANT WOMAN.
Before answering yes or no, consider: Perhaps she recently HAD a baby. Perhaps she had a large lunch. Perhaps she tends to gain weight in her torso. Perhaps she suffers from separation of the abdominal muscles that causes her stomach to pooch.
8. Were you planning to touch the pregnant woman’s belly?
YES – PLEASE WALK AWAY NOW AND DO NOT COME BACK.
NO – Good for you! Continue to #9.
9. Were you planning to share words of encouragement or affirmation?
Examples: You look fantastic! Congratulations! You’re doing a great job!
YES – Way to go! You may make small talk with the pregnant woman.
NO – Perhaps you should consider it.
10. Were you going to offer any form of help?
Examples: Making a meal for her post-baby. Holding the door open for her. Asking if you can bring her a bottle of water.
YES – Great idea! You may make small talk with the pregnant woman.
NO – Perhaps you should consider it.
Note: Not all pregnant women need or want help, so if you offer, do be sure that you are not offended if she says no. An offer of help should be just that: an OFFER, not an expectation.
I hope the big takeaway is clear: you may not WANT to make small talk with a pregnant woman.
Or: she may not WANT to make small talk with you.
Often people seem to have best intentions at heart or think that comments like, “Sure it’s not twins?” are somehow amusing, but they are not. What you may not realize is that there is a delicate hormonal balance happening. It’s invisible, but powerful.
You also may not realize that the pregnant woman is often bombarded with these kinds of questions, comments, and even inappropriate physical touches all day long. So by the time you make your attempt at small talk/humor/etc, you are the 17th person that day to do so.
Combine the delicate hormonal balance with 16 people before you making similar comments and you may end up with a black eye.
Or, because many women do not speak their mind in situations like this, you may deeply hurt or anger her. You may cast a shadow over her day or extend a growing shadow over her pregnancy.
Because here’s the thing: PREGNANCY IS NO PICNIC.
It is wonderful and wondrous— a true miracle and amazing thing! And yet, it’s filled with aches and pains and often heartaches that you don’t see. Many women have suffered loss of a pregnancy, which affects how they feel when pregnant. There are very real fears and very real physical pains and struggles.
This pregnancy, my tailbone pops in and out of place when I walk. My sciatic nerve has been pinched. My feet are so swollen I can hardly wear shoes. My pubic bone has separated. I feel huge and I feel smelly and generally sort of disgusting. Not glowing. Certainly not beautiful. So I can tell you from personal experience that these kinds of conversations leave me feeling drained and angry and also somewhat confused.
In what world is it okay for people to speak like this to someone doing the hard work of growing another person?
Shouldn’t there be support, not ridiculous comments?
Shouldn’t people offer to kindness rather than criticism?
When you interrupt the pregnant woman’s daily goings-on with your well-intentioned (but often insensitive comments), you are not speaking life. You are adding to the discomforts. Sure, these make for great Facebook statuses and rants later on, but many pregnant women would prefer to be able to leave the house without fear of having an awkward and uninvited conversation about their bodies, their plans for birth, or anything else.
If you are pregnant and this post might help the well-intentioned people in your life, pass it on! If you have unintentionally said or done inappropriate or insensitive things to a pregnant woman, it’s okay. But now YOU CAN STOP, PLEASE. If you need this boiled down even further, if you are not going to say something very kind or offer to buy the pregnant woman diapers or deliver a meal post-baby, just walk away.
What’s the worst thing that you’ve experienced while pregnant? Feel free to flood the comments section with your stories. We’ve all got ’em. 🙂