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Oct 28 2016

When You Add a New Baby to the Family…

I hit this point every time I’m pregnant. I suddenly realize what a big deal it is when you add a new baby to the family.

This is the point where suddenly, pregnancy is racing toward the end after dragging for months and months. It’s the point where I realize with horror that I’m about to have a NEW BABY and I’m totally not prepared in any ways that I should be.

This is also the point at which I begin to mourn the loss of our current family.

Wait— WHAT?

That may sound weird, but perhaps you experienced this too. It’s the gripping fear that you can’t possibly love this new baby as much as the child or children you already have. It is the feeling like you really love the status quo and don’t want to see it hit by the earthquake of a new child.

I remember so distinctly the very real fear I had just before Lincoln was born. It’s the greatest when you only have one child. Because you have no experience to tell you that yes, yes you WILL love your second child as much as the first. (At least until they are teenagers, when all bets are off. So I’m told.) You really will love your second child as much, but you cannot see this when you have only one.

I know by faith now from experience that I will love this new baby more than I can currently imagine as s/he kicks out at my belly with a foot or knee. I know I will. I’m not so worried about that.

What I worry about now and mourn for now is the fact that in subtle and not-so-subtle ways, our reality will change after. It’s never been a BAD change, so I know that much. But what you lose is your memory of what your family FEELS like.

You’ll have specific memories of firsts and special outings and even a few random times with nothing remarkable that you somehow retain anyway.

But you can’t capture in any measurable, tangible way what your family dynamic is right now. And I know from experience that this dissipates. Almost immediately there is a shift. You notice and don’t notice it. It moves over your family like a ripple over the surface of water. Maybe ripple is too light a word. It’s a WAVE.

This wave of a new baby crashes over and pulls up things that have long been settled at the bottom. Like the shells and sand and even tiny creatures, everything shifts and moves underneath. There is power in this shift, but because water is ever-changing, you cannot capture the difference. It never stops changing, and as each wave passes, the water returns to normal, then builds up for whatever the next wave will bring.

I don’t know what our family will look like in two weeks. I don’t know how I’ll feel. I don’t know how my children will react and feel and what they will do. I don’t know the big feelings they may have and not be able to express or even understand.

This terrifies me.

Every. Single. Time.

Change is a hard thing and a baby is a big change. Babies are people, so the change they bring isn’t the same as changing a paint color on a wall or getting a new car or even moving to a new house. There is nothing about people that is stagnant or still. We are dynamic and complicated, even babies.

Put all these different personalities and people with their dynamic complications together, and you have the crazy framework of a family. We each bring our own things to it and when a new baby crashes in with his or her whole personhood of change, every family member is hit with his or her own wave, which in turn affects each of the others.

I know this will be fine. I know in a few weeks I will look at this post and realize that I DON’T FULLY REMEMBER WHAT MY FAMILY WAS LIKE ON THAT RANDOM FRIDAY MORNING. It will already have changed so much and shifted so much that I can’t go back, in memory or reality. I’ll have the memories of being a family with four kids, but I won’t be able to FEEL or experience that reality in the same way.

I’m excited. I’m also terrified.

I know it will be okay. I also worry that it won’t. That somehow we are ruining something good with this huge change.

The thing that you can’t imagine is how your heart grows with each new baby. How it swells and rises up to fit around the new person and the new reality and the new family dynamic. We are adapters, the human race. We rise to the circumstances we are given, good and baby.

This will be good. This will be amazing.

But for a few weeks more, I’ll look at our family and try to memorize the look and feel of the NOW that will soon change. For a few weeks more I’ll mourn a little bit, even as I know I’ll feel silly as soon as that baby is lying on my chest, even while on the other side of a surgical curtain, my insides are being rearranged. (Ew.) Everything will be new. Everything will be amazing.

And either way, it’s too late to go back. The wave is coming. The best thing is to swim right up to it and ride with it as it crashes over everything.

Have you felt this kind of nostalgic sadness before having a new baby enter the home? Share in the comments what these transitions have been like for YOU!

Sep 18 2016

It’s Just a Broken Window

Do you ever wish you responded differently to events in your day?

I’ll go first: YES. Yes, I do. Many, many events sometimes, both big and small. But sometimes I surprise myself and have exactly the attitude I wish I could always have. I’d love to say it had some kind of direction correlation to something (like maybe spending time that morning reading the Bible) or had a practical tip I could attach and share (like counting to four before responding). In all honesty, I sometimes just happen to get it right.

This week, the boys broke our bathroom window. I was at the kitchen table with the girls, which overlooks the backyard. Rob and the boys were throwing frisbee out after dinner while the girls and I colored. (This sounds idyllic, but please note that this was after a dinner of complaining and food-throwing and all the normal things you’d expect from a house with 2, 3, 6, and 8 year olds.)

I knew EXACTLY what the noise was when I heard it: the shattering of our bathroom window. Death by frisbee.

Rob’s face was priceless as he slowly turned with wide eyes to look at me through the big kitchen window. He stared at me and the boys stared at me, all of them with gaping mouths, waiting for my response. Then these words came out of my mouth:

“It’s just a window.”

The relief was visible on all three of their faces. Lincoln, the one who threw the frisbee, was still a little distraught as Rob used the shop vac to clean it up. “How much will it cost?” he asked. “I’m so sorry! Can I pay for it? It’s my responsibility!” (Seriously, I wish more people had the attitude of my 6-year-old.)

“Do I look upset?” I asked him. “I’m not. It’s just a window. We’ll fix it. You didn’t mean to do it and you don’t need to feel bad about it. Let it go.”

And I truly meant all this. I mean, it’s an inconvenience, yes. We have a pile of medical bills hurtling inevitably our way like Sharknado 5. Buying another window is not something we welcome.

But the boys were playing with their Dad. No one was being irresponsible. A frisbee sailed through the window. The end.

So much of the time, I don’t react like this. Especially and oddly to the LITTLE things. Broken windows, I’m cool. Spilled milk and cereal every morning, NOT COOL. I get irritated and annoyed and fussy and get all over my kids about all kinds of things that really matter way less than this broken window.

“I was really surprised by your reaction,” Rob told me, which spoke volumes to me (even though he truly didn’t mean anything bad by it) about how I normally react to things.

Which makes me really eager to work on my attitude and apply the Broken Window Principle (as it shall henceforth be called) to the spilled milk in the morning and the spilled ice and water in the afternoon and all the little accidental messes and annoyances that occur basically all-day, everyday in my home.

The Broken Window Principle

Here’s the thing about broken windows: once they are broken, they are BROKEN. There is no way back to a time that would keep them from being broken. There are no words I can say to change what already happened. We can only move forward from the broken window. I can choose to make people feel terrible about an accident, or I can let it be what it is: a minor annoyance that in a year or a month won’t matter.

I’m learning more and more that my reaction to things as a mom MATTERS. A LOT. I’ve heard it said that moms set the tone in the home and in a lot of ways, I see that as true. My mood is really contagious. So is my attitude. This little window held a big lesson for me, revealing how EASY it was to not care and not shame my kids about something insignificant in the long run. It felt wonderful. I wish I could respond this way to all the things, all the time.

(Note: if my kids had broken the window on purpose, or even accidentally but irresponsibly, like tossing the frisbee right in front of the window, we might have had added conversations and consequences.)

So I’ll encourage you with the thing I’m using to encourage myself. Remember that IT’S JUST A BROKEN WINDOW. Whatever it is, big or small or medium. If it’s already broken, it’s already broken. See it in the scope of the long game, take a deep breath or a moment to compose yourself if needed, and then do what you need to move forward. Don’t shame your kids or yourself. Take it in stride and do what it takes to move to the next thing.

After all, it’s just a broken window.

Have you ever had a situation where you reacted either better than expected, or where you really regret how you handled it? Share your story in the comments! I bet we can ALL relate.

Aug 23 2016

Pregnancy Mask: It’s a Thing.

Today I’m talking all about pregnancy mask! Doesn’t that sound JOYOUS? Don’t leave without leaving a comment to share your experience with pregnancy mask! Especially if you have tips to get rid of pregnancy mask.

I vividly remember a summer vacation at the beach where I forgot to put (any) sunscreen on my upper lip. That night, while slathering aloe about my body, I saw something bizarre in the seashell-covered mirror in our beach condo. I had a mustache. Not a mustache of hair, mind you.

I had a TAN MUSTACHE.

Despite wearing sunscreen, my olive skin tans well. Too well, it turns out, in places where I might not be so vigilant. Like…my upper lip.

Tell me the truth: have YOU ever really thought that hard about making sure your upper lip was covered? It was pretty horrifying. Not subtle. But I was able to correct the next day by putting SPF 8 on most of my face and SPF 50 on my upper lip.

If only it were that easy to get rid of pregnancy mask.

Pregnancy mask is the nice term for chloasma or melasma gravidarum. It is a darkening of areas of your skin during pregnancy. You don’t know where, when, or IF it will show up on you. Typically it affects women with darker complexions more and tends to be something that appears on the face, sometimes other areas of the body.

I didn’t have a lot of pregnancy mask with the first few kids, at least not that I noticed. With Cooper I had some light freckling on my forehead that became way more pronounced with Quin, spreading out over my cheeks as well.

It looks essentially like sun damage, but oddly washes away within a few months postpartum. (I had the best results with Rodan + Fields Reverse regimen, which removed the melasma and also some sun spots I had! I no longer sell it, but email me if you want recommendations.) It’s not terrible, but it’s certainly annoying and just one more thing that make pregnancy feel…not-so-beautiful.

You know where else I get pregnancy mask? I get pregnancy mask in MY ARMPITS.

Yep. Armpits.

I know that armpits aren’t like your face—on display all the time. I’m not a huge fan of tank tops either right now, so my pits are mostly hidden. But whether or not they are publicly visible, my armpits are a distinct brown color. I look like I have permanently dirty pits. It’s gross.

I tried scrubbing this away when pregnant with Quin until I realized it was pregnancy related. And, like the melasma on my face, it scrubbed away within a few months postpartum.

It’s back. And it’s lovely. Nothing like dark brown armpits to make you feel like a woman. A lovely, clean woman. I’ll spare you a picture. You’re welcome.

Pregnancy is a gift and a joy, but it comes with weird side effects. This one isn’t such a complaint. In fact, it’s much more comfortable than my spine and hips (which keep popping) or just the general exhaustion I’m feeling all the time. But you know what? I would prefer my pregnancy without a spotted face and dark stains in my armpits.

Have you experienced pregnancy mask on your face or anywhere else?

Share your story (and any tips for getting rid of, hiding, or avoiding it) in the comments!

Like this post? You’ll probably love these, too.

Apr 26 2016

So, You Want to Start a Blog?

You’ve thought about it and you’re finally ready. Now all you need to know is how to start a blog. Simple, right?

Starting a blog CAN be that simple. But you can also find conflicting advice, an overwhelming amount of information, and may stall out before you start. Now that I’ve been a blogger for 11 years, I have a pretty good understanding of the current landscape (especially compared to where we’ve been), common mistakes, and what it really takes to be successful.

You ready for this? Let’s dive in.

Note! This post contains affiliate links, which means at no extra cost to you, purchases you make through my recommendation may give me a commission.

How to Start a Blog the Right Way

Define Success.

I’m starting at the end because I always think it helps to look forward. You need to define what success is to YOU. This matters as you start, even though you can (and should) revise it as you go. Does success look like making a part-time income? A full-time income? Does it look like having an outlet for your writing? Does it look like providing tips and encouragement to your readers? Is success indicated by a certain number of pageviews a month?

With your overarching goal in mind, you can have better success from the start. I have reevaluated this more times than I can count. Once a year is probably a good frequency to think about this. But think about what success means to YOU. Not someone else. Write it down. It will help you make a lot of other decisions along the way. If nothing else, you need to decide if you are blogging for PERSONAL reasons or PROFESSIONAL. That’s probably the most important distinction you’ll make.

Many people don’t think about this step at first. But it’s THE most important one you’ll take. Don’t miss it!

Own Your Blog.

There are many free platforms out there. For the first eight years I was on blogger. (You can still find my old blog archives there!) There is nothing wrong with starting at blogger or wordpress.com with a free blog. Especially if your goals are more personal.

If you want to run ads on your site, you’ll either need to move to wordpress.org or you can stay on blogger. Here is a rundown of why you might choose blogger vs wordpress. The super confusing part comes between wordpress.com and wordpress.org. The important thing to remember is that .org is self-hosted, which means you have complete control.

No matter which you choose, it’s worth it to get your own dot com. Whether that’s your name (a good choice if you’re planning to be an author) or a name you choose for a blog. Something that confused me at the beginning was the fact that owning the domain name– the .com– is separate from the hosting cost. (Read more about that here.) While I tend to use GoDaddy for the prices (save even more by looking for a code on Retail Me Not), I use Bluehost for my hosting. They run two of my sites and a landing page on their cloud service. For larger sites, you may want something larger.

To sum up, as much as possible, own your content. Own your site name. Don’t skimp on something like hosting because it really matters.

Niche Down.

This blog, as you probably have guessed, is not super focused. The post before this was a recipe. The post before that was about parenting. Now I’m talking about blogging. This is known most commonly as a lifestyle blog. (I call it eclectic chaos, but that’s not really catching on.) I made this choice intentionally because I want to talk about All The Things.

But this makes it harder. People who come for recipes may not care about my kids. People who come for my family posts don’t want to read about how to start a blog. The only real consistent thing is me. MY voice. MY story. MY perspective. That’s important to me, but it may mean that I never have the growth of some big bloggers.

Choose a niche. The narrower the better. What do you love to write about? What are you interested in? What were those goals again from part one where we defined success?

Niching down can help you find a more consistent and engaged audience. Your vision and purpose and content are clear. If you want to be more all over the place like me, find a common thread. Your voice is a great common thread. But it may be more topical or thematic. Just [say it with me] be intentional.

Plan Content.

I think being strategic and intentional is important along every step, if possible. From the defining success and choosing where you set up roots based on that to thinking about what you’ll write an how often, planning is key. I have an entire totally free blog planner that you can download and print out for free to help you with this. Get that HERE!

You can also get a plugin for WordPress like the editorial calendar. I don’t use it because it’s not my style. I have a plugin in my head, I’ll guess. Find what works for you. Then do that. But DO be intentional about it. Consistency is key, even if it’s once a week.

Connect.

When I first started blogging, you just wrote things. You didn’t think about how to start a blog. You just did it. And people came to read. Who knows how they got to you, but they did. It was kind of like the movie Field of Dreams— if you blogged it, they would come. Not so much anymore.

Now it takes a village to grow a blog. The village is social media, where you share your posts. It’s blogging communities, where you learn and grow and share and support one another. A great one is Blogging with Becky and Paula, which has beginning bloggers and vets alike. My Create If Writing group is small but big on community and I’d love to have you there!

You don’t want to fall into the trap of ONLY connecting with bloggers, of course. That’s tempting and easy. You want to connect with the people who come read your blog. Which means you want to make it inviting for people to connect through comments, your email list, and wherever you really hang out on social media. Invite them in. Be personable. Make connections.

Learn Stuff.

Maybe you’re reading this as a blogger who has already started, wondering if you’re doing it right. Or maybe you just needed a good ol’ shove in the right direction or to get out of a slump. Here’s the thing: you’re never done learning. I think now, 11 years in, I’m learning more than I ever did in the first days. I’m more aware now of how much there is to learn.

Blogging groups are (again) a great place for this. There are conferences all over the place. The Blog Elevated Conference was my first and is a well-price option in Houston, a city easy to fly into. You might find local groups nearby.

You can also learn a ton online. Podcasts (like mine!) or blogs or webinars or online conferences can be amazing tools, many of them totally free.

Repeat.

Like I said in the last point, you don’t get finished. You’ll need to reevaluate success and your goals. You’ll need to connect with new readers and new blogging buddies. You’ll need to see what’s working and plan your content accordingly. And you’ll always need to keep learning.

This was a long post, so you need a recap? Me, too.

How to Start a Blog

Define Success – your long-term goals & measure of achievement
Own Your Blog – domain name & hosting
Niche Down – choose a central focus
Plan Content – be intentional with the type & frequency
Connect – with other bloggers & your readers
Learn Stuff – keep growing your skill set
Repeat – circle back around again and again

What did I miss? What are things you wish YOU knew when starting your blog? What tips are most helpful for you if you’re just starting out? Let me know in the comments!

Jul 14 2015

The Best Little Blog Conference in Texas

I’m a Wildside Blogger! Read what that means and how being a Wildside Blogger STILL means all these opinions are totally mine, even if I DO get some amazing benefits like season passes to SeaWorld and Aquatica.

I have declared this my Year of Conferences. I am totally a nerd at heart when it comes to things that interest me. (Which generally does NOT include math-related anything.) But I could learn, listen, or talk all things blog, social media, and writing all the day long. Which is why I have gone to Re:Write, If:Local, HBU’s Writing Conference, and AdventureCon, and WILL be going to Declare, Podcast Movement, and Blog Elevated later this year. Yes, I am insane.

Every conference is unique (hence going to so MANY), but AdventureCon stands out in my mind as one of the oddest and best SMALL conferences that I’ve attended. AdventureCon is a blogging conference put on by Sea World, which is unique in and of itself. It is part conference and part family fun, adding up to be ALL awesome. Because everyone loves a good list, here are my four reasons for loving AdventureCon.

Four Reasons AdventureCon Is the Best Little Blog Conference in Texas

1. It’s not just for bloggers.

AdventureCon is a FAMILY blogging conference. This means that bloggers are encouraged to bring their whole family. While we bloggers are getting our nerd on, families are over at SeaWorld, getting behind the scenes tours and exploring the park. The second day of the conference unites the families to do this together, which means it has a unique flavor as compared to other conferences. This year we weren’t able to enjoy the family part (due to Rob’s work combined with how many kids we have and their ages at the moment), but hopefully next year! This is rare and truly unique among conferences!

2. It’s SMALL.

I haven’t been to a huge blogging conference and there is a reason for that: It’s not my thing. I’m a small-crowd kind of girl. At just about 70 attendees, AdventureCon is the smallest conference I have been to and that made it really special. On Saturday, we spend from 9-4 essentially in one room, learning together. With round tables for the sessions and our lunch, I got to meet and talk to other bloggers in a natural way and it made each session feel really personal. One of my favorite moments was the Experts Among Us period where attendees could take the mic for a moment and share a favorite tip, trick, or tool for blogging.

3. It had GREAT speakers.

(And I’m not just saying that because I led a session— that doesn’t count! But I totally LOVED getting the opportunity to lead a writing workshop!) I’m still poring over my notes from the weekend. I learned about SEO, YouTube, monetizing, online crises, working with brands, and FlipBoard. To name just a few things. Because the group was smaller, this also meant that the speakers interacted more personally with the room and were able to answer questions along the way.

4. It had ADVENTURE.

After checking into my hotel, the very first thing I did was hop over to the park to ride the Great White by myself. Only a ten-minute wait and I was in the front row of my new favorite roller coaster, screaming and laughing (and drooling a little). What other conference offers that chance? We learned hard and then we PLAYED hard. I definitely helped put the adventure in AdventureCon.

SeaWorld AdventureCon — Check out me and Kristi from MomsConfession.com in the front row of the Steel Eel. SO MUCH FUN!

Are you a conference junkie? Do YOU have a favorite conference? (Watch out– I might attend…)