We did something really, REALLY stupid two weeks ago. 

WE GOT A PUPPY. 

Now, before you get all PETA on me, puppies aren’t stupid! They’re pretty awesome.

Getting a puppy when you have a six week old baby? THAT’S the stupid part. 

Of course, it’s also adorably adorable. 

RIGHT???? So stinking cute. (His name, by the way, is Vader.)

But this has put my already-overwhelming world of baby + four other kids + running two blogs & a podcast into HIGH ALERT INSANITY mode. We’re talking Defcon Five. Actually, I forget if Defcons are worse as they get larger or smaller…so whichever is the worst Defcon, that’s where I’m living. 

There is so much pee. And poop. We just potty-trained a two-year-old, who 90% of the time goes in the toilet. The other 10% is in the floor of our house. Now add in a dog that goes on the floor maybe 50% of the time. Make that 60%.

There is also so little sleep. We have two girls who keep waking up being scared of the dark and wanting to eat at 3am. A baby who still nurses during the night. And now a puppy who wants to pee and then play at 4am. Sometimes he howls and wakes everyone up and then it’s like a middle of the night party except no one is having fun at this party. 

NO SLEEP IS BEING HAD IN MY HOUSE. 

But…it feels hard to complain. Because we INVITED this chaos into our home. 

We chose to have a baby. And then another and then another and then another and then just one more. 

We chose to get a puppy (did I mention he’s a great dane?) when our baby was six weeks old. 

We chose this life. So how can we complain? 

I hear this same thought from other friends. It sounds like this: 

We struggled to get pregnant. So now that I AM pregnant, I can’t complain. Even if I’m barfing every five minutes. 

We waited two years for a baby to adopt. So now that I have this much prayed-for baby, I can’t complain. Even if I’m struggling with being a mom. 

I have one kids and you have five kids. So I can’t complain to you about the struggles I’m having. 

Can I tell you something? 

YES. YES, YOU CAN COMPLAIN. 

You have my permission. Not that you NEED my permission, but I want to convey this permission because I think it’s SO important. 

We all know that no one’s life is Instagram-perfect. We suspect that other people might be struggling too. And yet we are still crippled sometimes by this idea that we must cheerfully embrace every hurdle without complaint. ESPECIALLY when the hard times surround the blessings we have or asked for or chose. We think: 

I SHOULD be thankful. 
I SHOULD think of all the good things I have. 
I SHOULD realize so many people have it worse. 

Which often leads to this devastating thing: 

I SHOULD act like everything’s fine, even when it’s NOT.

Now, hear me on this: there is a point where we circle the complain drain (I just made that up) in a whirlpool of discontent. We are miserable and we make everyone around us miserable because it’s just whine whine whine. I don’t want to encourage you to get sucked into the complain drain.

I also don’t mean you should dump on every person you kinda know or your whole Facebook wall every afternoon or that kind woman at the grocery store who said, “You have such lovely children.” We never know what other people are going through either, so it’s always good to think of that.

But I am giving you permission to struggle and to share that struggle honestly. Maybe sometimes it IS on your Facebook wall. Or in an email like this to thousands of people. Probably it’s BEST in a conversation with your really great friends who can support you, listen, and tell you when you’re starting to circle the complain drain so you can get the heck outta there. 

If your life is hard, that’s OKAY. Even if you chose it. Having a hard time doesn’t mean that you don’t appreciate what you have. 

When my kids drive me nuts, it doesn’t mean I love them less. 

When I have hard days, it doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate what I’ve been given. 

You have my permission to struggle. Because you are not alone. 

And you have my permission to share that struggle. BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT ALONE. 

The big lie that we sometimes believe is that we can’t struggle and be thankful too.

We may not always FEEL thankful, especially in the really painful, difficult, exhausting moments. That’s okay too!

The Bible doesn’t tell people to feel thankful always, but to give thanksin all circumstances. Which means: you can participate in the act of giving thanks for what you have even as you are feeling totally overwhelmed or sad or depressed or exhausted. 

I hope you remember this in the moment of overwhelm, if you’re down there with me. Struggling and telling people about that struggle does not mean we are not thankful. I can give thanks (and do) for my amazing, wild, insane family and also be in tears at how hard this particular season is. 

This is not a BOTH/OR thing. It’s a BOTH/AND. 

I’m struggling so hard, y’all, AND I’m so very thankful for this crazy life. 

I hope that’s an encouraging word today for you. I know I needed this reminder this week. It’s been kind of embarrassing to tell people that it’s really hard, because WE BROUGHT THIS CRAZY ON OURSELVES. 

But it’s hard. I am giving thanks. And I am also struggling. 

Want to struggle together? Join my Facebook group for moms. Where we just hang out and keep it real. Fun posts, hard posts, supportive posts. Click the picture to join! 

I am doing what I have done every night for the past seventeen days. I am sitting up with a baby snuggled up against my chest. She is sleeping, arms stretched up toward my neck. I can lean down and smell her hair or kiss her forehead. (Which I do. Frequently.) This should give you some idea of my answer, but I wanted to write a blog post to answer this common question: Can you spoil a baby? 

Before I answer, a caveat. I’m totally okay if we don’t fully agree on this. I don’t dispense black and white parenting advice. I think we all have different experiences, different styles, and different babies. Consider these ideas, then do what works best for you and your family. 🙂

Can You Spoil a Baby?

What Babies Need

I remember the first time we came home with a baby. Sawyer was a few days old, but had spent the first three in the NICU, so that first day home was the first time we had been with him for all the hours of a day. 

I was terrified. 

I remember taking a walk with Rob and Sawyer and turning back four houses down because he started fussing a little and I was afraid he would cry. And then nights where I was awake, crying while he cried because I couldn’t figure out what to do to make him stop. 

After a few months, I discovered baby wearing and got more confident in being a mom. We began co-sleeping, something I NEVER thought I’d do, but was a survival method for my constantly-nursing baby.

Sawyer was happiest when he was held. When he was snuggled next to our skin. All of the things that worked were the things that I thought I would never do before having a kid. I always thought those things would spoil a baby because I’d heard that so many times. You just let them cry it out, people would say. You don’t want to spoil your baby.

I found the opposite to be true. With Sawyer and with all my following babies, including the one in my arms as I type. Babies (and I mean INFANTS) don’t need much. They need to be fed, changed, and HELD. 

Have you heard of the fourth trimester? This refers to the transition period from womb to world, usually lasting about three months. (Read this post for more info!) Babies are used to movement and sound, consistency, warmth, and being tightly snuggled into a small space. Until birth, when there is suddenly SOUND, LIGHT, NEW NOISES, and SO MUCH ROOM. 

The theory of the fourth trimester is that babies do well with swaddling, holding, baby wearing, and sleep-sharing. All very high maintenance. All very hands-on. But these things are NOT spoiling. They are helping baby transition into the world.

The Difference Between Babies and Toddlers

So let’s talk about spoiling. The question isn’t can you spoil a baby, it’s can you spoil a child? The answer to that question is YES. So what’s the difference? 

When babies desire to be held and comforted and picked up, they are not trying to get their own way. They NEED that comfort and the touch. The warmth of a body next to theirs. 

As infants become toddlers, they still need comfort and love and touch. But they also begin to have more of a WILL. They shouldn’t always get their way. They should hear the word NO from you. Especially when it comes to tantrums in the grocery store over candy in the checkout aisle. Do you see the difference between picking up a crying baby and giving your child the thing they’re tantrum-ing over?

I want to be clear that there is a clear distinction between babies in those first months and toddlers and growing children. I wouldn’t say there is a hard and fast rule for when this changes, but I think often as parents, we can know our kids best. But do realize that if someone says your one-month-old is manipulating you, they’re wrong. Your one-month-old needs you. 

When You Should Put the Baby Down

As with most things, there are some exceptions. Most of them don’t have to do with your baby, however, but YOU. The times when you need to put the baby down are when YOU need to put the baby down. 

Let me explain. 

We have been very blessed to have super easy babies. They cry when they are hungry or if something is really wrong. But generally speaking, they are pretty content. (Especially if they are being snuggled into your body, as Piper is right this very moment as I type.) But I have many friends with colicky babies or babies with who are a lot more high maintenance or just fussy. I have friends who have suffered with postpartum depression. There are times when, for the good of the mother (or father), YOU NEED TO PUT THAT BABY DOWN. 

In the hospital a few weeks ago, the nurses made me watch some videos. I love that the hospital has videos to equip moms, but I felt a little irritated that they wanted me, a fifth-time mom, to watch one. So I chose a video on the Purple Crying Period, something new in the last eight years. (Read more about the purple crying period.) 

A number of real parents (not actors) shared their experiences with fussy, crying babies. One woman told the story of how her husband shook their fussy baby to death. Another couple said they were completely not prepared for how angry they felt when their baby cried almost continuously for the first five months. The video gave this advice: 

Sometimes you need to put the baby down in a safe place and walk away to regain your composure. 

Whether you are in the extreme example of having a baby who cries nonstop for months or not, there will be times when you do need to put the baby down or hand the baby off to someone else and walk away. Take a breath. Get out of the house alone. Do something kind for yourself. 

This isn’t about spoiling the baby, but it’s about protecting yourself. For now, I’m super happy holding a contented baby for most of the hours in a day. I know how fast this period passed with the first four and Piper will be our last baby. So I’m enjoying my happy, sleepy baby in my arms. I LOVE it. But there are times I need to take a little break. Even if it’s just for showering or running out for a quick latte by myself. It’s good for ME. 

At some point also you will need to help your baby learn to sleep securely ALONE. Usually our babies stay in our room until they are a few months old at night. They nursed themselves to sleep and then would wake several times a night, so being nearby helped ME not go crazy getting up out of bed and walking around the house every few hours. This is great as we are adjusting to a new baby who eats frequently! 

If you are like us and have the baby in your room or even do bed-sharing, there will come a point when you need to transition baby to be on her own. After transitioning our kids off breastfeeding, co-sleeping, pacifiers, and bottles—I can say that whatever the transition and no matter how hard you think it might be, you CAN do it. As far as the right time to transition? That’s up to YOU. And your baby. 

 

So, what do YOU think? Have you asked the question “can you spoil a baby”? Or had people say that you shouldn’t pick up a crying baby because you’ll spoil him or her? I’d love hear your take in the comments! 

Again, we won’t all agree. Civilized discussion. 🙂

I never planned to have a c-section. I was fully on the home birth train for my first TWO births. But what I’ve learned through having five kids is that birth does its own thing. Even if you can’t fully create a birth plan that will work, knowing information can help you make informed decisions OR at least know what the heck you’re getting into. So here is a helpful list of what to expect when you have a c-section. 

Note: Every hospital may run a little differently. These are based on my experiences! I am not a medical professional, so please consult your doctor and hospital.

THE EPIC LIST OF WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU HAVE A C-SECTION

The Night Before

• You’ll have to stop eating at midnight (this depends on time of your surgery)
• You may be given some chemical wipes to use after your shower
• They may tell you not to apply lotions, powders, or other deodorant products

The Day Of – PREP

• You’ll arrive two hours early 
• They will suit you up in a very sexy gown with no back
• You’ll begin to have visits from all the staff who will be a part of the surgery: nurses, anesthesiologist, your doctor
• They may draw blood to check your stats
• They will hook you up to an IV and begin to give you fluids. For me, this always ends up in my hand, not my arm, because my veins stink. 
• They will hook you up to a monitor so they can hear your baby’s heartbeat and also monitor any contractions.
• You will have some kind of other wires put on your back and chest, threaded through your gown. (I don’t remember what these monitor.)
• You will fill out a lot of paperwork and answer a lot of the same questions again and again from different people.
• They may wrap your legs in these wraps which will pulsate throughout the day after to keep you from clotting.
• Just before, they will have you drink a tiny, SUPER sour drink that will help with nausea. (Tip: drink it like a shot! Fast. It’s gross.)
• Just before surgery, they will wheel you back alone in your bed to the OR.

The Day Of – SURGERY

• Once in the OR, they will move you from the bed they wheeled you in on to the table
• To get the spinal block, they will have you sit up and curl forward, leaning on a nurse in front of you
• They will clean your back with a cold (orange) betadyne solution
• The anesthesiologist will numb your back, which will feel like a prick
• S/he will then put the spinal block into your back. It may hurt a little, but will mostly feel like odd pressure.
• Once in, they will cover your back with tape to keep everything in place and then help you lie down on the table
• At first you’ll feel sort of numb, but soon you’ll know you HAVE toes, but you won’t be able to move them even if you try
• You may get cold or nauseated– ask for warming blankets or for a bag they will help you throw up into. I often throw up.
• They will give you oxygen either in a mask or into your nostrils.
• They will test to see if you are numb by pricking you on your shoulder, where you can feel it, then down your body.
• They will give you a catheter, which you should not feel.
• Basicaly from this point onward, you will be nude from the waist down and everyone walking in the room will see everything. GET USED TO THIS KIND OF HUMILITY. 
• At some point, all the staff in the room will do this thing where they all say their name and what their role is in the surgery.
• They will scrub your belly with betadyne and raise up a surgical curtain.
• At this point, your spouse or loved one will be brought into the room to sit by your head.
• During the surgery, you will hear and feel things. You might even smell things. 
• It won’t be pain, but for me, it felt like four people had their hands jammed up into my body cavity, slamming things around. The best thing you can do is think about your baby and talk to your loved one. 
• After about 10-20 minutes, the doctor will warn you that it’s about time. You may hear your baby crying over the curtain and they may show you the baby before they take him/her over for cleaning. 
• Usually there will be monitors in front of you with a video feed focused on the baby area, where they will check your baby’s vitals, clean or rub in the vernix (the white, cream stuff your baby will be covered in). 
• My hospital encourages skin to skin and will bring your baby over and lay him or her on your chest and even encourage breastfeeding after a few minutes while they are still working below the curtain. **If your hospital doesn’t mention this, ASK. It’s a great help to the baby just starting out!
• They will finish closing you up, take down the curtain, and wheel your baby down the hall to the prep room where you started your day.

The Day Of – Post Op

• You will feel groggy at this point. This part is always a blur.
• If you have not decided on a name, do NOT decide on one right now. Wait a few hours. 🙂
• You will have an IV drip still. They may have topped you off with a morphine dose through your epidural in your back.
• If you are breastfeeding your baby, you will be encouraged to breastfeed. You may have a nurse or lactation consultant try to help you. Do not be surprised if they grab your breast and try to shove it in your baby’s mouth. 
• Nurses will come and “massage” your uterus. This is a nice way of saying that they will punch you in the stomach. You will groan in pain and they will say, “sorry,” while punching you in the stomach. 
• After about two hours in this room, they will move you to a new room. In my hospital, I got to carry my baby. People congratulated me in the hallway. It was great. 
• In your room, they will put the baby in a little bassinet and then move you to your new bed. THIS HURTS. They will help you, but need you to sort of wiggle and scoot. THIS HURTS. 
• This day is a blur of nurses coming in to check your vitals, check your baby’s vitals, ask about breastfeeding (or bottle-feeding), give you pain meds, & more. 
• Later in the day (depending on when you have your surgery), they will remove your catheter (which I always dread, but isn’t so bad). 
• After they take out the catheter, they will give you some very sexy (just kidding) mesh or elastic panties and a giant pad. Despite the fact that these are the ugliest underwear ever, you will come to love them. 
• They will also likely remove your IV, or cap it off but keep it in the vein. (If you happen to be on a morphine drip like I was after having to go under general in one of my surgeries, they will leave the IV in.)
• At some point several nurses will wrap you in a binder, which is essentially like a giant elastic bandage for your tummy. It will feel uncomfortable as they put it on and after, but it will also feel very supportive. 
• Someone will help you go to the bathroom for the first time. You will not be able to stand up straight. You will feel like you will not ever be able to walk again. YOU WILL. It will be okay. But this first time will suck. 
• All day, people will ask you about passing gas. This will seem strange until you pass gas. It’s weird. And feels very uncomfortable.
• They will also ask you about pooping. You may or may not poop in the hospital. You DEFINITELY want to keep taking the stool softener they will give you and at home maybe add in Milk of Magnesia.
• You will be able to eat sometime after a few hours or after passing gas, just depending on hospital policy. 
• Several times a day, nurses will come and feel your uterus. Which feels like super uncomfortable pushing on your abdomen.

The Day After

• THIS IS ALWAYS MY WORST DAY. 
• I don’t know why, but about 20 people will come into your room before 10am: nurses, doctors, pediatricians, housekeeping, photographers, more nurses, someone wanting you to fill out info for social security, possibly someone about your bill, and more. If possible, ask the non-essentials to come back later. 
• My pain is always the worst on this day. I feel like I’m not going to be able to ever walk or do normal stuff again. You WILL. Realize it’s normal to feel this way. 
• If you are having a lot of pain, often they can give you an extra dose of pain meds in your epidural port before they remove it. Don’t feel like a pansy. Take medicine if you need it. 
• You’ll still have a lot of people coming to check on your incision, massage your stomach, and encouraging you to get up and walk. I almost NEVER feel well enough to get up and walk the halls, but walking in your room is a great idea.
• If you are able to stand for 10 minutes, you can shower. This will feel good, but also weird and hard. Move slowly. You can’t just wash your body the way you normally would because moving and lifting your arms may stress your tummy.
• You may start to feel some of the baby blues at this point. My hormones are a little nuts, but usually for me this looks like just crying for long periods of time for no real reason. Because I typically feel worse this day, I often cry more. 

Two Days After

• I always start to feel hope on this day. Compared to the day before where everything hurts and I can hardly walk, I’m feeling MUCH better. 
• A lot of the same things will happen as the previous day– people coming to check on you at all hours. 
• You may get discharged this day or the next. If you are staying, take advantage (in a good, not bad way) of all the support from nurses and staff. Don’t hesitate to push the button and ask for help. 

 

MY BIGGEST TIPS & TAKEAWAYS

• You may want to pay attention to when your pain meds are. In all of my stays, there was at least 1-2 times where nurses did NOT deliver pain meds on time. The best thing for the pain is to stay on top of it. Don’t miss a dose. This goes for at home too.
• I’m all about baby bonding, but I would recommend sending your baby to the nursery at night with STRICT instructions to come back every 2-3 hours or before if showing signs of hunger. This allows you to really focus and sleep because you WILL need rest. You can know great nurses are watching over your baby. You also will struggle to get up, pick your baby up, and get back into bed without a lot of pain, so you need someone to hand you baby. When the nurses bring the baby back and forth from the nursery, they can do this for you if you don’t have someone staying with you. 
• Each day will get a little better, but you will ALSO have days where you slide back. Sometimes this is because you feel so good one day that you overdo it. Sometimes you just have setbacks. Typically a few days after I get home from the hospital, I call the nurse line in tears, asking if it’s normal to be in pain still. It is. You’ll gradually get better. But you’ll also have days you feel worse. 
• TAKE YOUR MEDS AT HOME. My first c-section, I tried to tough it out. MISTAKE. For at least ten days to two weeks, you need to take your meds. You may not need them as often as you’re supposed to, but take them as needed and stay a little ahead of the curve for pain. Don’t be a hero. 
• REST. Get help as you need to. Hire someone to sit with other kids if you have them. Have someone who is able to hold your baby while you shower or poop (yep, poop). It’s okay if you want to just sit on the couch and hold your baby while binge-watching a new show on Netflix. 

Need more tips? Check out my big list of post-patrum support!

 

 

On Monday morning at 8:14am, Rob got to peek over a surgical curtain to glimpse our last, sweetest baby.

He looked back over at me with wonderment: “It’s….a…….GIRL.”

A few moments later, they placed her on my chest: our most crying-est new baby, weighing exactly the same as our first. Bookends. First and last. 

And as with our first, the names we thought we would be choosing shifted and we chose a name that LOOKED like her: Piper. Followed by a middle name carried down in my family, usually by the men: Hayden.

Meet Piper Hayden, weighing 8 pounds 9 ounces—a sweet chunk of a baby at 18 3/4 inches. She has cheeks and rolls for days and tiny little legs. 

We can see some of our other children in her: Sawyer’s full cheeks and something of Cooper’s eyes. Quin’s feet with long, finger-like toes. Dimples, just like the other two girls. 

She feels familiar. She feels new. She is AMAZING. 

Everything is going well so far and we feel beyond blessed to have not one, but FIVE healthy pregnancies and children. I can’t wait to head home tomorrow and unite everyone. It’s going to be nuts and also totally fantastic. And loud. Always loud. 🙂