The clock is winding down. In less than twelve hours, I will no longer be pregnant and I will NEVER be pregnant again.
It’s an odd feeling.
I’ve never taken pregnancy for granted. I know how many women have longed for this: a life inside a life. The feeling of another person growing inside of you. Even as I type, this baby (who feels like the size of a toddler inside my belly) is shifting and pressing outward with a knee or maybe an elbow. It is amazing. I am grateful that we have had the blessing of not one, but FIVE pregnancies.
It is amazing, but it is also exhausting. Painful.
My tailbone started popping in and out of joint three months ago. When I walk. When I cough. Just, you know, WHENEVER.
Last week I squatted next to the bathtub to help the girls and my pubic bone separated. I can feel it when I walk. When I sit. Just, you know, ALL THE TIME.
I have a hernia.
I have heartburn.
I weigh 1000 pounds.
My feet are triple their normal size, filled with fluid that holds its shape when you press it. (Which is something my children find fascinating. Actually, I do too.) I haven’t had ankles since April.
Rolling over in bed at night takes about 90 seconds. Longer if my round ligaments or muscles cramp up in the middle of the switch from right side to left side.
Rob asked me to walk around the block with him the other day and it almost put me in tears. Because I can’t. I literally CANNOT WALK AROUND THE BLOCK right now.
This is the difference between being pregnant at 30 vs (just turned) 39. It is the difference between being pregnant the first and the fifth time. (Read about what preparation is like for a first vs a fifth baby!)
Being pregnant is amazing. Being a part of bringing new life into this world is more than words can describe.
I’m so thankful to have had these five chances to be a part of it.
AND I AM SO STINKING EXCITED TO MEET A BABY TOMORROW AND THEN GET MY TUBES TIED.
I will miss a few things about pregnancy. Not the way people talk to me (read about those disasters) or the pain or how I feel simply enormous.
But knowing that as of tomorrow, this space that is currently occupied will be empty and will stay empty…it makes me sad. Not sad enough to consider having MORE kids. But I will miss the feeling of a taut, round belly that responds with a kick when I run my hand across it. I will miss the companionship of sharing my body, knowing that it is not simply me anymore.
I’ll miss the magic. The amazement. The wonder. The anticipation and the glorious meeting.
It is weird to know that this is the last time. And to have a planned c-section (because none of my births EVER went as planned) and to know at this time tomorrow I’ll be holding a the life that’s inside me OUTSIDE of my body.
HOLY MACKEREL– WE’RE HAVING A BABY!
I had pretty easy pregnancies and always felt pretty good–no swelling, not the kind of pain you’re describing…but I otherwise know how you feel! I had my 4th, and last, at 37 (vs 23 for my my 1st). I had c-sections for all ,and had my tubes tied during the last. It was a strange and bittersweet feeling! She is now 19 months, and while I miss being pregnant, I know I don’t want another one and don’t regret my decision.