“I don’t want to go to school tomorrow,” Sawyer said one night this week at bedtime.
“Why not? You love school.”
“Everyone will laugh at me,” he said. “Because of the cut on my face. They did today at recess. They all laughed at me. Everyone.”
This moment? This is the one where I want to go wreak some havoc on the playground. This is where I want to abandon that truth I know about loving one another, even my enemies, so that I can teach a few kids a lesson. OH YOU THINK YOU CAN LAUGH AT MY SON’S FACE? COME HERE, MY PRETTIES, AND I’LL GIVE YOUR FACE SOMETHING TO LAUGH AT.
People always talk about the idea of being a mama bear and I roll my eyes. Until something like this happens and suddenly I have the six inch claws of a grizzly for the sake of my son. It makes my heart ACHE to hear that he is scared that a cut on his face will mean he will get teased. It makes me want to go on a grizzly mama bear rampage. RAWR, little kids. RAWR.
I wasn’t bullied in school, but there was a time I was made fun of. Loudly. Publicly. By people I thought were friends. It wasn’t bullying, per se, and didn’t last long because I accidentally stood up for myself. But I never forgot it.
I’m sure we all remember those moments when a blush rose in our cheeks or the sick feeling of shame climbed up our throats. When we were the subject of cruel words or physical harm. Maybe for you it really was bullying or maybe run-of-the-mill teasing. Most of us remember that feeling, which is why I react so viscerally when my son is scared to be laughed at in school. We fear the worst, a story like this one I read on Mamapedia last week. We fear our child REALLY being bullied in a way that is emotionally damaging. When they ache, WE ache.
Our inclination is to step in the ring to fight for our children. I am angry with the kids who might laugh at my son because I remember that feeling of shame and fear approaching lunch time when I was teased. I want to spare him from pain and suffering.
The problem with becoming mama bear is that if we try to spare our kids from pain (which, REALITY CHECK, isn’t possible anyway), they don’t learn to deal with difficulty. (Click to Tweet) If I hadn’t faced the teasing I did, I wouldn’t know today that turning around to face bullies is often enough to reveal that they are really cowards.
The other problem? Real life bullies are not two-dimensional movie characters. They are people, and people are complex. (Click to Tweet) Even in 8th grade I was confused when I got teased, because the guys doing it weren’t bullies. They weren’t strangers. These were my friends. How could they be BOTH?
Even more confusing—I wasn’t only a victim. I remember my own cruel words towards other kids. I remember ugly gossip and mean looks and cold shoulders that came from ME. Being made fun of did not stop me from making fun of others.
So when I get angry on behalf of my son, I have to check myself. Is Sawyer even getting the whole story right? (When pressed, he confessed kids were laughing and thought it was about him but didn’t actually know.) Is Sawyer always kind to other people or does he use his words like arrows? In watching the way he sometimes treats his brother, I can definitively say that he is NOT always kind or loving. Most of the time at home, HE is the one making victims.
{Is it inappropriate to ask right now who has been personally victimized by Regina George??}
The kids who might tease or hurt my son HAVE a story. That child is NOT just a kid laughing and pointing a finger or pushing someone down. That child is some other parent’s daughter or son. That child has his or her own hurts and fears. This in no way excuses their hurtful or harmful actions, but it does help explain them. It helps us to understand.
This is how we can learn to love our enemies. We think of enemies like in superhero or war movies and so think we don’t have them. Our enemies are the children teasing our sons and daughters. Our enemies are those PTA members who give us the side-eye and won’t let us in their adult clique. Our enemies are the ones who hurt us and make us feel victimized. We have many more enemies than we want to admit, I think. I love how Derek Webb puts it in song: “My enemies are men like me.”
I want to love my enemies and love my children’s enemies with a real love. I want to give the benefit of the doubt, the benefit of a story. I want to give grace. Because I know that I was not only a victim of teasing, but I victimized others. Which means I also need to talk to my kids not only about what to do if teased, but how to treat others with love, kindness, and that same grace. My enemies are like me.
It’s a rough world out there. But the root of the roughness is our rough-edged hearts. (Click to Tweet) Only Jesus can smooth out that roughness, but he isn’t a quick fix or miracle drug. He is a lifelong relationship that will change us both all at once and little by little. He will embolden me when I need to be a grizzly and advocate for my children. And he will soften me when I need to put away my claws and extend grace. Only Jesus can help me to do both at once, which is sometimes what we need to do. I will not stand for bullying, though I know I can’t protect my children from teasing, heartache, and heartbreak. But if I am ever in a situation where I need to step in and be an advocate, I can do so with grace and with love. Because of Jesus who hung on a cross, innocent, and said, “Father, forgive.”
Boy, my heart is rough around the edges. Still. After knowing Jesus since I was 14 (I don’t do math, but that’s more than 20 years), I am still one big rough patch. Have you seen a hidden mama bear come out? Do you struggled to see that you have enemies? How do you protect your children while still extending grace?
[Please know that what I am talking about in this post is the “normal” teasing and posturing that goes on with children, not the much more dangerous and damaging bullying that can happen. And in BOTH cases, I don’t think there are excuses for bad behavior or think that we don’t need to take action. Every situation is different as is every child, so listen, evaluate, and take action as needed with the grace you hope someone would extend to you.]